What Dreams May Come Read online

  “What is it?” Susannah asked.

  “An MP3 player.” He pointed to the box to show Kitty. “And it’s got over five hundred Adventures in Odyssey episodes downloaded on it. All brand new.”

  “Five hundred?” Susannah repeated.

  Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick.

  Derek opened his travel mug next, and Susannah was a little embarrassed she’d given him something so generic. But he smiled and hugged her and froze in goofy poses with his gift to make Kitty laugh.

  “And now.” His expression suddenly grew serious. He cleared his throat and looked at Susannah. “I asked Kitty the other night what she thought we should get you, and we came up with something together.”

  He reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope.

  “This is from all of us.”

  At first, Susannah was afraid it would be full of cash. How did he expect her to accept a gift like that?

  “Take a look,” he urged.

  Even Kitty was calm while Susannah opened it up.

  “A plane ticket?”

  “Read this first.” Derek pointed to a brochure.

  “The Urbana World Missions Conference?”

  “It’s a get-together for young adults and college students who are interested in Christian missions. They have all kinds of speakers. From the minute I heard about it, I knew it’d be perfect for you. And I knew you’d never agree to go unless I made you, so I already booked your spot at the conference — your room, your flight there, everything. You leave in two days.”

  “That soon?”

  “They always have it right before New Year’s. Now don’t argue with me.” His voice was firm. “Kitty wants you to go too, don’t you?”

  Blink.

  A very tenuous blink.

  “How can I ... How will ...”

  “I’m taking vacation time. I’ll stay here with Kitty. And Mrs. Fields and her son have agreed to come over and help too. We all know how Kitty feels about Ricky Fields, don’t we?”

  A cautious kick.

  Derek nodded at the ticket in her hand. “It will be fine. I want you to go. It’s something your mom and I were already planning to send you to this year. She’s the one who first told me about it.”

  “Mom wanted me to go?”

  He nodded. “She’d been talking about it for months.”

  “I don’t know ...” She looked at her sister.

  “Your mom wanted it,” he whispered again.

  Susannah was beaten. “All right.” She glanced again at the brochure, at the smiling faces on the cover. “I’ll go.”

  CHAPTER 51

  Susannah had never been around so many people her own age before. She forgot exactly how many Christians were in attendance. Twenty thousand? They were all over the place, spread out over the campus, flowing in all directions at once. Was this what it would be like to attend a big college?

  The entire first day was a blur, from the early morning drive to the Spokane airport, the flight to St. Louis, then the crammed shuttle to the university campus. Next the check-in procedure that felt even more involved than airport security. She’d been so overwhelmed by the sheer number of people around her and the general noise that she couldn’t remember what the opening speaker talked about.

  Terrified that she’d lose her way between the big conference center, the cafeteria, and her assigned dorm, she resolved to spend the next morning walking the campus and trying to find her bearings.

  Lord, I know you brought me here for a reason, but this is way more overwhelming than I would have ever expected. Guide me, Father. One step at a time, please. I need you.

  The main conference events included speakers and comedy sketches and drama teams and a worship band that made Susannah feel closer to heaven than she thought humanly possible. In between were breakout sessions with missionaries from all around the world. Susannah listened to an ethnomusicologist talk about helping Christians develop indigenous styles of worship and a panel of speakers giving reports and updates on the persecuted church.

  In one of the campus’s huge halls were hundreds of tables where students and interested individuals could meet representatives from missionary sending agencies. For the first time, Susannah was glad that her future was clearly laid out for her in Orchard Grove, or she would have been overwhelmed from the sheer number of options. As it was, she found the hall far too crowded and noisy and preferred to spend her time in the breakout sessions. She thought it was strange that more of the students here didn’t attend the smaller meetings. Sometimes she was one of only two or three attendees, which fortunately gave her the chance to ask questions and feel like she’d gotten to know some of the missionaries personally.

  Yes, Lord, Mom and Derek were right. This is so refreshing.

  She’d taken her new journal with her, and when she wasn’t in one of the breakout meetings or group sessions, she’d find her way to the room they’d set up as a prayer chapel and write. For the first time in almost a year, she wasn’t just scribbling about Scott.

  Lord, you are so big. Your heart for the nations is even greater than I ever imagined. I realize now how lonely I’ve been in Orchard Grove. It’s so inspiring to be here with other believers who want to take your gospel to the ends of the earth.

  She didn’t know how or why, but for the first time since her mom died, Susannah didn’t feel trapped at the thought of spending the rest of her life in Orchard Grove. Nearly all of the missionaries she’d met in the breakout sessions talked about how important it was to have an intercession team back home, and Susannah realized that prayer wasn’t just a last resort. It was the power through which the gospel was spread, missionaries were equipped, and God’s glory was taken to the nations. She’d used all of the spending money Derek sent her with to buy prayer guides and other resources to take back with her to Orchard Grove. She even bought a few audiobooks that would guide her prayers for the nations and that she could listen to while she was cleaning or cooking or getting Kitty ready for the day.

  She’d also been convicted here about how little time she spent each day helping Kitty grow in her spiritual walk. Kitty loved the Lord, would joyfully try to sing along with the hymns their mom played on the piano, but there was so much more Susannah could teach her. How to pray for different countries. How to intercede for missionaries. She was out of cash, but as soon as she got home, she wanted to find a map of the world and tape it up on Kitty’s wall. She pictured them sitting in Kitty’s room for an hour or two every day praying for God to send his workers to the different countries of the world.

  Susannah couldn’t go to the mission field, but that didn’t mean God wouldn’t use her to advance his kingdom worldwide. The best part of it was she never had to leave Orchard Grove. Unless it was to come back here. With careful budgeting, she could afford to return next time. Receive that same excitement she now felt in her soul, the excitement she was eager to carry back with her to Orchard Grove.

  Lord, thank you so much for putting this idea in Mom’s head. Thank you for Derek remembering and forcing me to come here. Thank you for all the people here that you’ve called to spread your gospel around the world, and thank you for opening my eyes to the part I can play in spreading your kingdom like wildfire across the land.

  She glanced at the clock on the wall of the prayer chapel and closed her journal. The next breakout session was in five minutes. It was a talk she’d been looking forward to about creating a missions prayer program in your local church. Susannah had never considered herself a leader in any way, but she knew God was calling her to stay in Orchard Grove. Most people there never thought about the Great Commission beyond the annual December offering they collected for the few missionaries the church supported.

  She was nervous about stepping up into a more active role in her church, but she also felt the weight of responsibility pressing down on her. God had given her a passion for world missions and yet kept her from ever leaving Orchard Grove. Instead of complaining
about the way her life had turned out, she could spend her energy not only praying for the gospel to spread but encouraging others around her to do the same.

  It wasn’t hopping on a plane to take care of children at an orphanage in India or teaching classes to kids in Africa, but it was the work God had called her to.

  She didn’t want to fail.

  CHAPTER 52

  Scott stared around the room. Empty. He should have known. Talking about ways that local believers could encourage their churches to become more missions oriented wasn’t the kind of flashy or exciting topic that would draw in hundreds of attendees. Which is probably why Buck had pawned the responsibility off on him. Oh, well.

  Scott always enjoyed the Urbana conference. He hadn’t missed one since he’d started working for Kingdom Builders twelve years ago. There was something so invigorating about surrounding himself with young people who loved the Lord and wanted to serve him overseas.

  Of course, not everybody who got excited here would end up on the mission field. He figured that even if a third of the attendees at the conference made a commitment to pursue full-time ministry like the Urbana managers claimed, only a small fraction of those would actually turn into career missionaries. The distractions of the world were far too strong.

  For years, Scott had looked down on those who graduated with him from Bible college, those who’d planned to serve God vocationally but ended up doing something else. Now, he had a deeper understanding of the ways God worked and knew a Christian could be involved in full-time ministry while still working a secular job. The fact that the world needed Christian missionaries didn’t negate the fact that it also needed Christian doctors and teachers and journalists and janitors and taxicab drivers.

  So he had learned to stop judging others, but he did sometimes wonder what would happen if God called a Christian to a specific mission field and the believer didn’t follow through. Would God just raise somebody else up to minister in that region? If God was going to save everyone that he wanted to save as some Christians believed, if a Christian could ignore God’s call to the mission field and rest assured that the Lord would just invite somebody more willing, where was the sense of urgency? Why would he ask young people to sacrifice their futures, their comforts, their worldly dreams if eternal souls weren’t at risk of perishing without hearing the gospel message?

  These were questions better fit for the four corners of his alma mater, but he still confronted them on occasion. Once, when he was speaking at a church just outside of Philadelphia to raise support for Kingdom Builders, an old man interrupted his speech to ask why he bothered traveling across the world with the gospel when there were so many hurting and needy people right in his own backyard.

  Those kinds of confrontations always bothered him, reminding him of the way Hudson Taylor was discouraged from preaching the gospel in China because “when God pleases to convert the heathen, he’ll do it without the help of people like you and me.” Scott was in full support of local missions, but how could that be an excuse to ignore those in other parts of the world who had never even had the chance to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ?

  He glanced again at the time. If nobody showed up in the next few minutes, he would probably call the session off.

  A timid knock sounded on the door, and he hoped that whoever came to hear what he had to say brought a few friends along. There was nothing more awkward than standing in front of the room giving a speech meant for twenty or thirty people to an audience of one.

  “Come in,” he called out without raising his eyes.

  The little startled cry that followed made him look up.

  “Am I in the right place?”

  He would recognize that sound anywhere. He could have been riding in a crowded Moscow subway surrounded by two dozen sweaty Russian men, and he still would have known that voice.

  He licked his lips, suddenly aware that he was dizzy. Did she recognize him too? Is that why she had gasped when she stepped through the doorway?

  He was on his feet. Ignoring the way the room spun in circles around him. Watching her face to tell if she was happy to see him or not.

  Maybe he was wrong. What would she be doing all the way out here? What about her sister?

  That must be it. After he’d tried so hard to get her out of his head, after he’d prayed so fervently for God to help him get over the pain of losing her, his mind was playing tricks. There were twenty thousand people at this conference. How many of them would be young women with golden, flowing hair and large, trusting eyes?

  Eyes that probed into his very soul.

  He cleared his throat, reminding himself that he had a presentation to deliver. Convincing himself that Susannah Peters was back home with her sister in Orchard Grove.

  “Are you here for the talk on starting a missions movement in your local church?” he asked.

  Why was she staring at him like that? Why wouldn’t she sit down?

  “Make yourself comfortable.” He pointed to one of the desks, but she didn’t move. She looked just like he imagined her all these months. The resemblance was uncanny. “What’s your name? Where are you from?”

  She blinked up at him. Those large trusting eyes. “I’m Susannah. Have we met before?”

  CHAPTER 53

  She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry or run away.

  “Susannah? You’re Susannah?”

  When she first stepped into the room, she’d convinced herself she was imagining things. Sure, the man in front of her looked like Scott, but she was here to listen to someone named Buck.

  She’d thought he’d acted a little odd when she entered, but there were all kinds of possible explanations for that. Even after she heard his voice, that same voice that had been in her mind for months, she told herself it was just a coincidence. He stared at her like he thought he knew her, but that could be easily explained. She did have a fairly generic face and common features.

  It wasn’t until she saw his reaction when she told him her name that she knew.

  He stood staring at her with a smile half formed on his face as if he couldn’t decide on the appropriate expression and gave up trying. “It’s me. It’s Scott.”

  She should go. This was a test. That’s all it was. God had asked her to give up her dreams of a future with Scott, and now he was allowing the devil to tempt her one more time. All she had to do was pass this test, and she could be over him forever.

  Except her feet refused to move. She tried to snap her brain to attention, tried to force herself to say something intelligible, but all that came out was, “Scott?”

  He laughed. “Yeah, it’s me.”

  She could tell he was nervous. Uncertain. So was she. He was bigger than she’d expected. Taller. She’d seen his picture on the Kingdom Builders webpage, but he looked older than she’d imagined. She felt like a child staring up at him.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “How long have you been here?”

  They spoke at the same time. Both questions had obvious answers.

  He laughed again. This time, so did she. Cautiously. Remembering how painful it was to give him up before. Making sure she’d never have to live through that kind of agony again.

  Sacrificing someone like him once was enough.

  “Do you want to sit down?” He pulled out a chair. “Or maybe we could go on a walk. I’m scheduled to give a lecture here, but it doesn’t seem like anyone else is coming.”

  Susannah’s throat had never felt so dry before. “It was somebody else’s name on the list.” She had to almost squeak the words out.

  “Yeah, Buck got pulled to talk on a panel, so I told him I’d take over here. But wait a minute, are you telling me you’ve been here at the conference this whole time?”

  She nodded, still wondering what she was supposed to do. Should she run away and hide? It wasn’t right for God to drag her through four agonizing months of trying to give Scott up and then to dangle him in front of her face like
a box of forbidden pastries.

  God, what are you doing?

  Her mind went back to the morning just a few days before Christmas when she’d read through Psalm 85. Then to her time in the back room at the Safe Anchorage gift shop, when Grandma Lucy had prayed for God to restore all that she had lost.

  Is that what this was? Could it be that God wasn’t testing her resolve to get over Scott but that he was actually answering her prayers?

  In her deepest thoughts and darkest musings, isn’t this exactly what she had hoped for?

  She didn’t know what she hoped for. That was the problem. It was too much. Too confusing.

  Scott was looking at her with worry in his eyes. “Are you all right? Is this too hard for you? Should I go?”

  God, you need to show me what to do. You need to help me know what to say.

  She opened her mouth. Fumbled over her words. Finally managed to croak, “No, you don’t have to go anywhere.”

  CHAPTER 54

  Scott still couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe she was actually here. Couldn’t believe that in an hour when the conference hall closed, he was actually going to take her out to dinner before that night’s general session. Their initial meeting was so painfully awkward he couldn’t think about it without a sense of embarrassed regret.

  Once they both got over the shock of running into each other, they had gone for a walk around the university campus. Scott had a whole hour and a half before he was due back at the Kingdom Builders booth in the conference hall, but it wasn’t anywhere near enough time for him to catch up with Susannah and hear everything she’d gone through since they last talked.

  Life had been hard on her. She tried to sugarcoat it, had presented it in the best light possible, but he knew her so well he could tell how burdened she was from taking care of Kitty, how heavy her spirit was from mourning her mother’s death. Scott wanted to take her in his arms right then, comfort her, tell her that she’d never have to be lonely again. Just say the word, and they could spend the rest of their lives together. But her sense of duty to her family had ripped her out of his life, and he wasn’t about to scare her away again.