What Dreams May Come Read online

  After a few more words, Grandma Lucy handed Pastor Greg back the mic, but the presence of God continued to encase Susannah’s entire being. Here was love. Here was power.

  The tears that streaked down her cheeks were just as hot as the burning passion and searing loss that invaded her soul.

  CHAPTER 16

  “Hey, Mr. Scott?” Woong plopped onto the couch and wiped ketchup stains off his face with the back of his hand. “You know what I’m wondering?”

  Scott felt so relaxed even though he knew he had to get back to his apartment soon. Carl was famous for his Sunday afternoon naps, and Scott didn’t want to impose on his family’s hospitality more than he already had.

  “No,” he answered Woong. “What?”

  “What I’m wondering is how come God sends out tapestries in the first place.”

  Scott tried to make sense of the question. The Lindgrens had adopted Woong from a South Korean orphanage, and even though there wasn’t a trace of an accent to his English, he still got his words confused every once in a while. “Tapestries?”

  “Yeah. You know, people who travel all over to Africa and Alaska and stuff and nonsense like that to teach them folks who never asked Jesus into their hearts how to do it right.”

  Scott chuckled. “They’re called missionaries.”

  Woong frowned and cocked his head to the side. “Isn’t that what I said? Why’s God have people do that?”

  Scott was about to tell Woong about the Great Commission, Jesus’ last command to his disciples before he was taken up to heaven, but Woong still had more questions.

  “Here’s what I mean. Dad says that God already knows who’s going to heaven and who isn’t. I even heard him talk about it one Sunday. There was some sort of fancy word for it. The doctor of electives, I think he called it, or something close to it.”

  Before Scott could offer any corrections, Woong continued.

  “And here’s what I was thinking. Let’s say my dad’s right, which I know he is on account of him being a pastor and stuff and nonsense like that. So that means God already knows which folks are on their way to heaven and which folks have to spend forever in the other place. Now what I’m wanting to know is why people like you bother going out and being tapestries since God’s already got his mind made up.”

  Scott stared at Woong, wondering how to simplify a debate that had made waves in the Christian church for centuries. “Well,” he began, not because he knew what he was going to say next but because he figured he had to start somewhere. “The important thing to remember when we talk about the Lord is that ...”

  “Woong, honey,” Sandy called from the kitchen, “I need you to clear those dishes off the table and gave Mr. Scott a chance to relax, ok, baby?”

  Woong pouted. “I’m not a baby,” he grumbled and slid off the couch.

  Carl came down the hall after taking off his tie. He lowered himself into the chair across from Scott with a groan. “I’m getting too old for this.”

  From the dining room, Woong asked his mom questions which she answered patiently as she loaded up the dishwasher. Scott was always impressed when he came to the Lindgrens’ home. There was a peacefulness here, a kind of calm that he couldn’t quite explain. He wasn’t sure if it was a result of Sandy’s homemaking skills, maybe all the framed Bible verses she put up on the walls, or the love that radiated from this couple who’d spent their lives raising foster kids, adopted kids, biological kids, and grandkids.

  All he knew was that he felt more at peace here than he did anywhere else on the globe. And no matter how far away God called him in the future, it would be nice to have a place like this waiting for him upon his return.

  A place to call home.

  CHAPTER 17

  Susannah wrapped her winter coat around herself and braced for the blast of wet snow as she stepped out the doors of Orchard Grove Bible Church. She kept her head down to protect her face from the biting wind and made her way to the car.

  “Susannah! Hold up a minute.”

  She recognized the voice. Didn’t want to turn around, but she couldn’t be rude. She conjured up a smile. “Hi, Ricky.”

  He waved his hand in greeting even though he was now only two feet away. “Hey, what’re you doing?”

  Susannah let go of the handle of her car. “Just heading home. It’s past Kitty’s lunchtime.”

  Ricky shuffled from one foot to the other and then stamped both of them in the snow. “Yeah, I guess that’s what happens when Grandma Lucy closes in prayer, huh?” He let out a nervous chuckle.

  “I guess so,” Susannah answered. She and Ricky Fields had known each other from the time they were both wearing diapers and drooling on plastic rattles in the Orchard Grove nursery. In addition to attending the same church, they had often found themselves enrolled in the same co-op classes. In a moment of both indecisiveness and pity, Susannah had even agreed to be Ricky’s date to the homeschool prom her senior year.

  The snow was so heavy, it was falling down the back of Susannah’s neck. She raised the fur-lined hood of her coat.

  “Nice jacket.” Ricky reached out as if he wanted to touch it then pulled his hand away. “I don’t remember you wearing it before.”

  “It was my mom’s,” Susannah answered and watched Ricky’s face melt into a puddle of mortification.

  “I’m so sorry,” he gasped. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have known.”

  “How could you?” Susannah tried to offer a smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “No, I feel terrible now. I’m always doing that, saying things at the worst possible times. I wasn’t trying to make you sad. Honest I wasn’t.”

  Susannah didn’t bother to mention that she hadn’t been feeling any worse than normal until he started making such a big deal about it.

  “Let me make it up to you,” he pleaded. “What can I do? Can I drive you home? Walk you back to church? Do you need a cup of tea?”

  Susannah had to smile at his earnestness if nothing else. “I’m fine. Really. It’s just a coat.”

  Ricky’s face wrinkled up. Susannah might have tried harder to convince not to feel bad, but she was already late. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, even though she couldn’t be sure what for. “I have to go now. Good to see you.”

  He shuffled again, a little bounce from one leg to the other, widening his footprints in the snow. “Ok, well, you know you can call me if you need anything, right? I’ve told you that before, and you haven’t forgotten?”

  She smiled. “I haven’t forgotten. Thank you.” She opened the door. “Please don’t be upset. You didn’t say anything wrong.”

  His face lit up as she lowered herself into the driver’s seat. He stood there smiling and waving goodbye. Susannah put the car into reverse, wondering how long it would take before everyone around her stopped acting like she would break any minute.

  How long it would take before everyone around her could simply forget.

  CHAPTER 18

  “Well, son.” Carl clasped Scott on the shoulder. “You know we love having you over, and I hate to say it, but that Sunday nap of mine isn’t going to take itself.”

  “You know what I’m wondering?” Woong asked from the corner where he’d been playing with some Legos.

  His mom leaned down and whispered, “Not right now, baby.”

  Woong stuck out his lower lip. “I’m not a baby.”

  Scott stood and accepted Sandy’s warm hug. “Thank you so much for the delicious lunch. It’s always so nice spending time with you and your family.”

  Sandy smiled brightly as she pulled away. “You know you’re welcome here any time.”

  Carl extended his hand for a shake. “Any time other than late Sunday afternoon,” he added with a broad grin.

  Scott smiled back. “Well, enjoy your nap. Thanks again for the encouraging sermon and a great time together afterward.”

  “You’ll hafta come back soon.” Woong glanced up from his Lego Avenger se
t. “’Cause I was reading my geometry book the other day, and they said there are these people who all live together on one big island, except they’re the kind of folks who don’t wear much clothes, and when they get mad at each other and go to war, they actually eat each other right up. When we were reading that Mom said you know a guy who printed a Bible for folks like them, and I wanted to ask you about it except I forgot until just now.”

  Scott stared perplexed until Sandy explained, “We’ve been reading Don Richardson.”

  “Now I get it. I was wondering what kind of geometry lessons he was getting,” he added with a smile.

  The Lindgrens lived a few blocks away from the nearest bus stop, and Scott was happy to walk. Enjoyed the quiet. He wondered what Susannah would think of Woong. Pictured how perfectly she and Sandy would get along. Wondered how different life might have been if God had kept Susannah in his life for good.

  CHAPTER 19

  No matter how hurried she felt, no matter how upset she was to be so late, Susannah had to drive slowly on account of the weather, which turned the Orchard Grove roads into nothing more than black sheets of ice.

  Something Grandma Lucy had said at the end of her prayer time rang through Susannah’s mind like the clanging bells in the church’s Easter bell choir.

  What God has opened, no man will shut.

  It sounded so biblical. So true. How could God’s plans ever be thwarted?

  But was there more to it than that? Of course, God had a plan for every believer’s life, but what about those people who lived in open rebellion to him? What about those people like Jonah who completely disobeyed? If Jonah hadn’t repented and returned to Nineveh, would God have destroyed the city right then? Or would he have just raised up another more willing prophet to spread his message?

  God is omnipotent. All-powerful. Is it possible for his plans not to succeed?

  Not one of all the LORD’s good promises failed. Each and every one came to pass.

  Susannah’s thoughts swirled as chaotically as the snowflakes falling from the sky, dancing and descending with no discernible purpose or sense of order.

  Each and every one came to pass.

  Of course, there were promises in the Bible, promises that Susannah knew to be true. Jesus would one day return. He would establish his kingdom on earth, a kingdom without pain or mourning or sin. A kingdom where every man, woman, and child would worship the true King in all his splendor.

  And there were promises for her own life too. Promises that God would wipe away all her tears. She believed it to be true even though for now she’d only caught short glimpses, ephemeral flashes of the comfort that would one day soothe over all her wounds.

  He is the God who finishes what he begins, Grandma Lucy had said. He is the God who brings it to completion.

  There were so many things Susannah couldn’t understand. Why God would give her such a passion for the mission field only to stand by idly when her mother’s death and her sister’s disability trapped her in Orchard Grove for the rest of her life.

  Why God would bring such a strong, confident man like Scott into her life only to ask her to give him up after everything that happened. To sacrifice her own happiness and future in order to care for the sister she loved.

  More than anything, she was afraid that one day all this sorrow, all these disappointments would make her bitter. She had worked with caregivers like that at the assisted living home, people who twenty or thirty years ago might have been compassionate and gentle, but who got tired and burnt out and jaded by the difficulties of their jobs.

  Who resented the patients entrusted to their care.

  Dear God, please keep my heart from growing hard. Please give me the patience and tenderness I need. Please help me to love Kitty as well as Mom did. I can’t do any of this without you, Lord.

  The snow continued to fall as Susannah pulled her car into the driveway. She didn’t know how to protect her own heart in the face of these sorrows and disappointments. She didn’t know how to make sense of her grief, grief over burying her mother and losing Scott.

  But she was convinced that God had promised to never leave her or forsake her. As she made her way up the slushy, icy walkway to her front door, she knew that he would have to be enough.

  CHAPTER 20

  Riding the bus back to his apartment, Scott pulled out his phone. He’d been so good lately about not checking his messages, wondering every five or ten minutes if he might have an email from her. But even though he knew there wouldn’t be one today, his heart raced as he opened his inbox.

  A few messages from coworkers, but nothing that couldn’t wait until he got into the office tomorrow. Two emails from missions’ news websites, which he saved to read later.

  And that was all.

  The disappointment was as real and as poignant as it had been four months ago.

  He stared at his inbox, knowing he should close it. Knowing nothing good could come from keeping it open. Knowing that if he let himself dwell in the past, he’d be useless for the rest of the day.

  He tapped the button anyway.

  Susannah Peters.

  He’d given her emails a folder of their own. It was the only way to keep his inbox even slightly decluttered. There were over a thousand by now. Some were long and would fill three or four pages if he printed them up. Others were nothing more than a quick Bible verse or word of encouragement she wanted to share with him in the middle of a busy day.

  He stared at the subject lines, remembering the sweet thrill that always accompanied her notes when they were together.

  No, not together in the traditional sense. He’d never held her hand. Never brushed his lips against her temple or run his fingers through her hair. Because of her mom’s strict rules, they’d never even chatted in a video call. The only reason he knew what it was like to stare into her eyes was because of the hours he spent gazing at the one photograph she’d sent him.

  Hopeful hours. Hours of prayerful longing and physical yearning.

  Wasted, all of them.

  The bus jostled, and Scott’s finger accidentally tapped his screen. Or maybe it wasn’t quite as accidental as he wanted to believe, and then he was peering into the documented history of both the deepest joy and sharpest pain of his adult life.

  The documented history of all the exhilaration and excitement and thrills as well as the heartache from which there was no escape.

  CHAPTER 21

  Susannah wiped her boots on the welcome mat and slipped them off as she entered the house. “Kitty, I’m back!” she called.

  God, please forgive me for being abrupt with Ricky in the parking lot and for being impatient to get home. Thank you for bringing me here safely. Please make Kitty’s stomach able to handle lunch a little late without it messing up her snack time later on.

  Derek glanced up from the couch as she passed. “How was church?”

  She jumped into her apology without answering his question directly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t back sooner. Service got out late, and the roads are pretty icy.”

  Derek held his wrestling magazine in his hands. “Don’t worry about it. She did fine. She’s just in there listening to her tapes.”

  Years earlier, Susannah’s mom had saved up enough money to buy the first ten years of the Adventures in Odyssey radio dramas on cassette. Since she refused to bring a TV into the home, the episodes were Kitty’s primary mode of entertainment when everyone else was busy. When their tape player broke a while back, Derek had to order a new one online since none of the local stores sold them anymore.

  Susannah hurried into the back room, mentally calculating how she would adjust her sister’s feeding schedule now that lunch was delayed. With a digestive system as fickle as Kitty’s, the ramifications of even a fifteen-minute deviation from normal could last for days.

  Dear God, please help it not get too bad this time.

  She felt guilty for wasting God’s time on these sorts of prayers. With all the lost and hu
rting in the world, with all the people destined to die in their sins and suffer for eternity, why should God care about her sister’s eating habits?

  Of course he cared, but that still didn’t keep Susannah from feeling guilty.

  Kitty was lying down when Susannah came into the room. “Oh, so you’re going to keep your head to the wall and not say hi. Is that it?” She kept her voice playful and walked up to her sister’s bedside. “You better watch out, or I might have to tickle you while I’m rubbing the kinks out of your back.”

  She didn’t have to touch her sister. Just hearing the word tickle was enough to make Kitty snort even though she tried to hide her amusement.

  “I can see you trying not to laugh over there.” Susannah reached out, but Kitty flinched. “I’m not tickling you,” she told her sister. “That was just a joke. But let’s give you a little backrub before we get you ready for lunch.”

  It was Susannah’s mom who discovered that Kitty could handle her bottle of formula better after a massage. That simple discovery had helped Kitty gain fifteen pounds and kept her from needing a permanent feeding tube.

  With hands and fingers made strong from years of practice, Susannah probed out Kitty’s tight muscles and addressed them one by one. “Everybody missed you in church, you know. That new pastor, the one I told you about with the pretty wife from California, he said to me. ‘Susannah, when do I get to meet that gorgeous sister of yours I’ve been hearing so much about? I’m beginning to think you made up a story about her just to tease me.’”