What Dreams May Come Read online

  Kitty’s body tensed up as she let out a jerky laugh. Susannah kept kneading the knots out of her sister’s shoulders.

  “You think it’s funny, but now I’m about to get in trouble with the pastor because he’s sure I’m lying. I told him I’d bring him a picture of you, but he said, ‘Well, anyone can find a picture online these days. How do I know you’re not going to find a picture of someone else’s sister and bring it to me instead?’”

  Derek cleared his throat in the entrance to Kitty’s room. “Got to run, you two, or I’ll miss the afternoon service.”

  “Thanks again for coming by,” Susannah said.

  “No prob.” Derek winked. “See you later, kiddo.”

  “Thanks for visiting!” Susannah called out in that same cheerful voice she always used around Kitty and then went back to her story about the pastor. “So anyway, Pastor Greg said, ‘If you don’t bring your sister to the Christmas Eve service, I’m going to assume that you just made up the entire story, and I’m going to be really mad at you.’ So I said, ‘Oh, please don’t, Pastor. Kitty wants to come to church. She really does, but you know how much Mom worries about her. She doesn’t want her going out in the winter when she could catch a cold. Or what if she slipped on the ice while we were helping her into the car?’ So he agreed that he wouldn’t mind waiting to meet you. ‘Your mom’s such a wise woman,’ he said.”

  It always pained Susannah to talk about their mother in the present tense like that. She had tried explaining before, but there was something about Kitty’s pure and innocent mind that couldn’t grasp the finality of death. The few times it did sink in, Kitty either threw up or refused to eat, and then she still forgot about it the following day. It was Derek who finally told Susannah she may as well talk to Kitty as if their mother were still alive. Susannah hated the hint of deceit, but in the end decided maybe her stepdad was right.

  Kitty was so empathetic, and her gut was so connected to her emotional life, that Susannah knew she shouldn’t dwell on these disturbing memories, especially not before lunchtime. She smiled and infused as much cheer into her voice as possible and said, “I saw your boyfriend today.”

  Kitty displayed her pleasure by kicking the mattress with her one good leg. It was no secret that Kitty’s crush on Ricky Fields extended at least as far back as the homeschool prom when he’d been Susannah’s date.

  Susannah was glad to see her sister so happy. “He asked how you’re doing, you know. Wants to know if you still keep his picture on your nightstand.”

  Two more kicks, one right after the other.

  Susannah sighed melodramatically. “Imagine how sad he was when I told him you’d forgotten all about that picture.”

  Kitty thrashed her head to the side. Even though her sister was grinning broadly, Susannah didn’t have the heart to carry on the teasing further. “I’m joking. He knows how special that picture is to you. Do you want to look at it after I help you sit up?”

  Another kick. This one calmer.

  “Ok.” After working out the worst of Kitty’s knots and gently turning her over, Susannah raised the head of the bed so she was sitting up. “Do you want lunch here or in the kitchen?”

  Kitty slapped her thigh with her right hand. “Here?” Susannah guessed.

  Two slaps now. Kitty threw her head to the side.

  “Oh. You want to see the picture. I told you that’s what we’d do first.”

  Kick.

  Susannah reached for the framed photograph. “All right, here’s your Prince Charming. Isn’t he handsome?”

  Kitty grunted in agreement, and Susannah stared at the image. The night of the homeschool prom, while Susannah had done her best to endure Ricky Field’s awkward mannerisms and sweaty hands, her mom had noticed Kitty’s dejected mood and decided to give her a prom of her own. She dressed Kitty up in a hot-pink bridesmaid’s gown from decades earlier, poofy bows and all. When Ricky brought Susannah home for her ten o’clock curfew, Mom and Kitty were in the living room listening to My Girl, one of the only secular songs the Peters owned.

  “You look beautiful, Kitty,” Ricky had said, bowing slightly toward her wheelchair, and for the first time Susannah thought she might have liked to kiss him if she had permission to.

  Without waiting for any prompting, he walked up to Susannah’s mom and asked, “May I dance with your daughter?”

  Her mom’s expression was hard to read when she answered, “You’ll have to ask her yourself. Kitty, do you want to dance with this boy?”

  One kick. Grin. Another kick.

  “That means yes,” Susannah explained, wondering how in the world her date expected to dance with her sister, but apparently Ricky’s somewhat clunky moves were well suited for the occasion.

  “I got sunshine on a cloudy day,” he sang, apparently forgetting he’d spent the entire night with Susannah completely tongue-tied. At first, by the way he pushed Kitty back and forth in her wheelchair, she may as well have been a vacuum cleaner, but by the second chorus, he grew a little savvier, even tipping her back on her wheels for a dip and making her mom squeal in fear.

  Kitty howled — which really is the literal way to describe it — with delight, and after the last chorus died out, her mom ran to grab the camera to capture the moment forever. In the photo, Ricky had taken Kitty’s good hand and was leaning over it like he was about to give her a kiss. There was something charming in his expression Susannah recognized even as she joked around with her sister.

  “I still can’t believe you stole my date from me that night.”

  A kick and a wide grin.

  “That’s probably why you made Mom get you all dressed up, huh? You knew that one look at you and Ricky Fields couldn’t resist, right?”

  Grinning even wider.

  Susannah set the picture back on her sister’s nightstand and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. “Come on, let’s get you some lunch.”

  CHAPTER 22

  January 7

  Dear Scott, How are you? My name is Susannah Peters. Buck, the Mobilization Director from Kingdom Builders, forwarded your e-mail address to me. I hope you don’t mind my taking the liberty to write you. My heart’s desire is to serve God internationally. When I first heard God’s call to missions, I kept expecting and asking him to tell me where I was supposed to go, but the more I kept praying, the more I realized there wasn’t one specific area of the earth I felt more called to than any other. The season of harvest is now, but the harvest is everywhere!

  That’s why I was so excited to learn about the Kingdom Builders ministry. I’d never thought before about the need for an agency that ministers to missionaries, but I think it’s wonderful that you guys aren’t focused on one geographic area but serve God all throughout the world by strengthening those he’s raised up to spread the gospel to the distant shores.

  I looked up some information about the Kingdom Builders summer internship program, and as soon as I read the description I realized it’s exactly the kind of opportunity I’ve been looking for to “test out God’s call” on my life and see if full-time missions really is his will for me. So I guess I’m writing both to hear a little bit more about the summer program as well as find out what’s necessary to begin the application process. I know my mom will have a lot of questions about it too because I’ve never even been out of state before.

  I suppose that’s it, but I do want to let you know again how excited I am about the work Kingdom Builders is doing to bring God’s glory to the nations! I will be praying for you and your ministry.

  Wishing you God’s richest blessings,

  Susannah Peters

  CHAPTER 23

  Lying in bed that night, Susannah thought over her day. Lord, I didn’t miss Scott this afternoon as much as I sometimes do. I’m really thankful for that.

  It was one of the many blessings of being her sister’s only caretaker. Susannah was so busy at home that she didn’t have time to brood.

  I’m sorry for teasing Kitty abo
ut Ricky. You know I don’t mean anything by it, and it makes her so happy, but maybe it’s wrong of me to treat her like that. Make her think Ricky likes her that way. Get her hopes up.

  Susannah knew all about shattered hopes.

  Thank you for a good church service today. I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention. And thank you that Derek’s willing to watch Kitty Sunday mornings. Please bless him for all the kindness he shows us both.

  Susannah didn’t expect any sort of typical father-daughter relationship with her stepdad, but she was grateful he’d stayed involved in her life. None of her mom’s church friends had taken that kind of interest in her and her sister.

  Lord, I’m sure there are many other things I’m forgetting to thank you for and even more that I’m forgetting to confess. I’m just so tired.

  She strained her ears, listening for her sister’s breathing, which was something between a snore and the sound of a coffee maker percolating.

  God, I love her so much. Thank you for allowing me to take care of Kitty. Thank you for allowing me to fulfill my promise to Mom.

  She didn’t know if people could look down from heaven once they died. She never actually heard a pastor preach against that kind of theology, but she guessed it wouldn’t line up with the typical stoic orthodoxy of a church like Orchard Grove.

  If she’s up there, God, I hope you’ll tell her not to worry about us.

  That’s nearly all Mom did while she was alive. Care for Kitty and worry about her girls. Worry about Susannah’s love life, about Kitty’s digestion. Fret over leaving Kitty without a caretaker. Of course, nobody expected her to die so young, but Susannah and her mother had already discussed the issue multiple times.

  “I’ll take care of Kitty. No matter where I am, I’ll come home and look after her once you’re gone.”

  “I don’t want to put that kind of burden on you. Only God knows where you’ll be at that point in time, where you’ll be serving him.”

  Susannah had silenced her mother’s protests. “When God takes you home, I’ll just take that as my message from him that he’s calling me back to Orchard Grove, back to the family I love so much.”

  God, I know that not even a sparrow falls to the ground apart from your will. You knew about that car accident long before it ever happened. You knew exactly when Mom was going to leave us, and I’m so glad you took her quickly. No suffering. But couldn’t you have waited? Even a few weeks ...

  Would things have been different if Scott had come to visit first? He said he picked out a ring. If she’d been engaged when her mother died, would that have changed anything? Betrothals today weren’t like in Bible times. Calling off an engagement wasn’t the same as getting a divorce, but there was still a promise there. You’d given someone your word.

  If Scott had flown out to Orchard Grove, if he’d put that ring on her finger, would she have considered herself bound to him from then on?

  Would she have felt the freedom from God to marry him, even if it meant pulling him away from the mission field?

  God, it’s such a waste of time to think about all these questions. Please calm my racing mind.

  She tried to remember the songs she sang in church that morning. Mentally played through each one. Tried to keep her mind focused on things above, just like the Bible verse said.

  But every so often she’d realize that she’d switched songs without knowing it.

  Every so often, the chorus of My Girl floated through her head, except now instead of seeing her sister dancing with the gangly, awkward boy from youth group, she imagined dancing with Scott to it on their wedding day.

  CHAPTER 24

  January 13

  Hi, Scott. Wow, it was so fun talking to you over the weekend. Words can’t express how thankful I am to you for taking time to answer my questions. I feel like I talked your ear off, and I’m really sorry for that. It’s just hard to exaggerate what a blessing and a privilege it is to spend time in fellowship with somebody who’s so passionate about spreading the Lord’s glory throughout the earth.

  I sometimes think about that day when God called me to the mission field. At the time, I felt really lonely. My mom was happy for me like I knew she would be. In fact, she showed me a picture I drew all the way back in kindergarten when I wrote about how I wanted to be a “meshanarie” when I grew up, but everybody else just treated me like it was a phase. I remember for a while worrying that maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t the Holy Spirit speaking to me at all. Maybe I was just getting caught up in the emotions of it.

  Anyway, that was years ago, but what I really want to say is how refreshing it is to meet someone with a similar heart for the nations. I have to admit I’m nervous about submitting my application to Kingdom Builders. I know you told me not to worry about getting denied, but the more I think about it the more I really, firmly believe that this is God’s next step for me. The problem is it’s a huge step. Mom’s pretty worried. After our dad died when we were so young and with my sister being so fragile, I understand how she can be anxious. I only mention that because I’ve never actually been away from home for more than one or two nights here and there. Mom’s totally behind me applying for the summer internship, especially after I passed on some of your answers to the questions she had (thank you so much for not freaking out about all of those), but I think it will be hard for us to be separated.

  I’ll probably feel guilty leaving Kitty too. I think about that a lot. But you didn’t ask about my entire family history, so sorry about that! I don’t know what got me so side-tracked. About your question for the pastoral reference, I called the church, and I guess they do have a fax machine, but it doesn’t work all the time, so my pastor asked if you could email it to him. Thanks so much, not only for helping me out with this application and the seemingly endless questions my mom and I keep coming up with, but for being someone I can really talk to about missions. Orchard Grove’s kind of a small community. There’s no one else like that around here.

  Blessings,

  Susannah Peters

  CHAPTER 25

  “Good morning, sunshine,” Susannah sang out as she bustled into Kitty’s room. “Did you sleep well?”

  Susannah’s mom had defied just about every piece of medical advice by letting Kitty sleep on her stomach, where she seemed the most comfortable, and Susannah certainly wasn’t one to change such a long-standing tradition. She perched on the side of her sister’s bed and began massaging her back.

  “How’s my favorite sister doing today? Did you dream about Prince Charming?”

  Kitty squirmed beneath Susannah’s touch.

  “Did he dance the night away with you?”

  More wiggling.

  “Did he sing you love songs? Did it sound like this?” Susannah hummed the first few measures of My Girl. It was too much excitement for Kitty, who kicked her legs three times and tried to slap her pillow.

  “All right now,” Susannah coaxed, “you’ve got to calm down a little bit or you’ll have a hard time with your breakfast. Let me work a tiny bit more on your back. No, I’m not tickling, I’m just trying to get this muscle to relax. Then we’ll get you in your chair. I have a really good idea. Let’s eat breakfast in the dining room today.”

  Susannah was ashamed for how lax she’d gotten about her sister’s mealtime routines. When Mom was alive, Kitty ate every meal in the dining room unless she was sick, but Susannah could tell it was uncomfortable for her sister to shuffle in and out of the wheelchair, so she usually let Kitty decide where she wanted to eat. If she wasn’t paying close attention, Kitty could go an entire day without getting out of bed. Even though Susannah was careful to turn her regularly so she wouldn’t get bedsores, she knew her mom had the right idea about getting her sister out of her room.

  It was easier in the summer, when the Orchard Grove heat conspired with their very sporadic air conditioning unit to force them out of doors, into the bright sunshine. Susannah couldn’t even remember the last time Kitty had been
outside.

  Well, God, life isn’t going exactly as I expected it, but I have so much to be grateful for. In spite of all that you’ve brought me through, even though I don’t feel you right now, I know you’re with me and Kitty both. You have given us so many blessings, and I’m forever thankful. Help me to keep my eyes on you today, and I know that everything is going to turn out just fine.

  CHAPTER 26

  February 2

  Dear Scott,

  Great news! Mom and Derek got engaged last night. It was really romantic. I kind of knew it was coming. Last week Derek pulled me aside, not exactly to ask for my blessing, but he told me that he valued my opinion and wanted to know if I was comfortable with the timing or if I thought he and Mom were taking things too fast. It was really respectful of him, and I admired him a lot for that.

  It’s not like I know him all that well, but it’s taken my mom all this time to meet someone that she says is as godly and honorable as my dad was, and she’s the best judge of character I know. So anyway, I knew he was going to pop the question, I just didn’t know when. I figured it would be something pretty typical, you know, fancy dinner out or whatever. But he actually proposed at home. Kitty and I were both there.

  Remember that picture I told you about that Kitty keeps on her nightstand, the one where she’s in mom’s old bridesmaid dress and she’s dancing with that boy from our church? Derek knows how big of a crush she’s got on him still. It’s something we all like to joke about because it makes her laugh so hard. What he did was look at the picture and asked Kitty about that night. He asked something like, “When that boy took your hand for the picture, was it like this?” And then he grabbed Mom and held her the same way.

  Then he said, “And when he leaned over to kiss your hand, did he look into your eyes like this?” And that’s what he did to Mom. I’m sure you get the idea.